HELP! MY FINGER IS MOLTING!
Posted by terrance | Filed under Happenings
I typically spend the Holidays alone. Not one for convention, I prefer it this way. No caroling. No tree. No roast beast. I’d rather enjoy an evening lounging on a sofa, watching horror flicks, stuffing my face with pizza and beer than sitting at a table for a Holiday feast. Especially if there’s family involved.
Every year, friends invite me to family-ish Holiday get-togethers. While I appreciate the invites, I never go. I seldom tolerate my own clan, so the notion of enduring someone else’s familial drama seems absurd. Yes, I’m a mean one, Mr. Grinch, but my Bah! Humbug! attitude changed when Enoch came into my life a couple of nights ago.
Enoch, my companion. Enoch, my love. I enjoy your fellowship and want to spend the Holidays with you this year.
Enoch showed up rather unexpectedly, spontaneously appearing like the disgusting finger infection that I shared with you in my last blog. This infection, a painful red swelling, sprouted from my right ring finger, like Athena from the head of Zeus, and had to be lanced and drained.
No doctors were called. Just a little frontier medicine-ing by way of needle, post-it note, and a wad of Wrigley’s Big League Chew. Like my Holidays, I prefer my surgery’s simple. So does Enoch. In fact, had I consulted with the so-called learned men in lab coats before sticking a microwaved metal spike into my finger, Enoch may have never formed at all.
Oh, you thought Enoch was a person? A comely young woman, perhaps? No, Enoch barely qualifies as a noun. But she is mine. All mine. And I love her.
Formed in a bed of bacteria and nursed to life on a diet of Bactine and rubbing alcohol – Enoch. The fingernail needed to die so that she could be born. It was that simple. And die my fingernail did.
First: a bone white coloration, like a crescent moon, smiling around the rim where my nail meets the skin. Then: a fissure, imperceptible by the naked eye at first, widens daily. A 32ndth of an inch. A 16th. An 8th. It was through the fissure, that filthy opening where the root of my nail ever-so-slowly separates from my finger, that I first heard Enoch…a child’s whisper, and then the voice of an adult female. Her song sooths me. I listen.
I feed Enoch with an iodine dropper. Cow’s blood. Small insects. Whatever I can cram into the hole. Boy, can she eat! Tiny serrated teeth marks, like those of a shark, slowly devour what’s left of my fingernail. Soon, the nail will be gone. Soon Enoch will be free.
Happy Holidays, ev’ryone, and remember: the fluid that drained from my finger was the same color and consistency as eggnog! Goddd bless us, every onnne…
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December 18th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Well I for one hope you and Enoch have a wonderful holiday!!
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December 18th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Why do I suddenly want an eggnog shake from McDeath? >.<
Hmm…this was interesting to say the very least.
Happy Fucking Holidays, T!
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December 18th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
How cute my anti-spam word was van.
First, you have amazing detail when it comes to writing about an infection. Most people would be like, “Hey, look at my finger, isn’t this shit disgusting?” and then walk away laughing. But not you, no, you named it of all things. Ha ha, you crazy crazy man.
Well, I guess you and I will be doing the same thing on Christmas, watching horror movies. By the way, Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer? Not that amazing. But City of Lost Children is though!
You belong in Wonderland, you know that? “We’re all mad here.” Ring any bells?
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December 19th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Good thing I’m lactose-intolerant. No eggnog for me!
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December 19th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Wow, I must say I’m impressed with the objects you’ve been able to stick in there lol. There’s a high school here in Modesto, CA called Enochs… now every time I drive by there I’m going to be thinking of your finger lmao.
(btw it would have been awesome if that had happened to your middle finger, you go to the doctor and flip him off to show him what’s wrong… epic lulz O.O)
Have a tolerable Christmas! ^_^
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December 19th, 2009 at 3:09 am
MMMMMMMM. I LUVY EGGNOG!
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December 19th, 2009 at 3:18 am
and remember: the fluid that drained from my finger was the same color and consistency as eggnog!
HAHAHA! you can bet i’ll remember that!
. Sounds like an old, classic and girly love story, haha.
Enoch was born to be with you, and now you’ll watch her die
Hey there! This is the very first time i read your blog, and i think i’ll stay here for awhile…
Well, i want to apologize because of my bad english, i’m trying my best!
And also, i want to give you my best wishes -not because of Christmas if you don’t want to- but i do.
Greetings from Mexico!
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December 19th, 2009 at 4:05 am
dude!! as painful as that sounds it looks fucking bad ass!! Any theories as to how she came to be?
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December 19th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I sort of sat here for a longer time than I really should have wondering what else you could have fit in there (that’s what she said) and I think you should try to get a wee bit of mistletoe in there in the spirit of christmas.
Also that would mean there’s a kind of toe in your finger and that amuses me and my sick, twisted, gothic basement of a mind.
I wish the best for you and Enoch and will be here to mourn with you when the time comes that Enoch gets so long, you have to decapitate her. Or you could keep her growing. I don’t know.
Happy holidays
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December 19th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I hope you and your beautiful lady have lots of fun this Holiday xD That is some impressive cramming, right there. I love that you did it…and then took photos for us xD
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December 19th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I love your idea of a good holiday celebration, I get some weird ass looks from loads of people when I tell them I like to have horror movie marathons from …well … January 1st to December 31st. I have a kid and he’s really excited when he sees the trees and lights (he’s autistic so he’s mentally 4 and physically 8), but when he gets old enough he will be weened off Rudolph and suckled on horror
Sending yourself and Enoch best wishes,
-D.A.-
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December 19th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Jesus. This is the best blog post ever.
Thank You.
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December 19th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Well, knowing that I’ve been through the same infected finger thing as you, it only makes me appreciate the love you and Enoch have for each other. So now, I am going to make my finger Jesse, considering that I hurt myself on the same hand, same finger, only on the inside. I know have a dent in my finger. But your lucky my friend, very lucky.
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December 19th, 2009 at 11:23 am
…. disturbing.
But my love of self-made freak performances keeps me staring and wondering what else can fit in that hole…
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December 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Oh…my…
I am somewhere between insanely interested and…WTH?
In either case…have a lovely holiday, you and Enoch!
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December 19th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
hahahahaha this is awesome!
happy holidays to you and enoch, terrance
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December 19th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
OW!:( Must be trauma from all the boob sign-age over the past year or so.
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December 20th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Like a car aciddent, don’t wanna look yet can’t look away. Horrifying & disturbing, yet intrigueing & out of the ordinary, while thoughts of “Ewww & Wtf that’s cool” dance round in my head lol. Your brilliance never fails to astound & impress me Sir
Let me assure you my appreciation for your creativity shall never waver.
And whilst I’m not a dinker myself, I have a feeling that if a certain supposed Grinchy person put a little rum in his eggnog & some mistletoe in his back pocket, he’d be much more inclined towards atleast some form of the Holiday Spirit
lol.
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December 20th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Terrance man why the match? What hentai have you been watching?
You should buy a nice specimen jar and alcohol of your choice for when the nail peels off, then you’ll at least have a part of her with you on a display shelf.
If you get a chance you should try and find ‘Crooked House’, it was on the BBC last year, a nice wee series of ghost stories. Or the League of Gentleman Christmas Special – don’t be put off because Christmas is in the title, Pappa Lazarou is seriously scary.
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December 20th, 2009 at 8:26 am
ok first off i love your blog. i have read every one, but this one had to be the coolest yet , man dude your fingers looks gross , but cool at the same time.
i hate eggnog, so i am good.
i hope you and your friend enoch have a fright filled christms.
i love and worship your talent. your a great man .
i will be thinking about this all day.
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December 20th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Dear Enoch,
GTFO,
Kthnx.
Dear Terrance,
Don’t be a dumbass, and take care of that,
Kthnx.
This will be my first holidays alone, and hopefully my evening goes off similarly to what you’ve described. I’m considering digging out my copy of May.
And hopefully, my finger doesn’t start rotting off, too.
Consider using some tea tree oil on that, if you won’t go see a conventional doctor.
And please note that microwaved needle =/= boilled needle.
Take care of my friend.
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December 20th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
So glad I don’t drink eggnog.
Thank you so much for the holiday gifts of photographs of your nail dying and you sticking weird things in it.
I like the name Enoch. When I was in microbiology, I had Petri dish of K. rhizophila bacteria that I named Kara and a second dish of E. coli named Emily.
And to add to your minimal holiday cheer, I thought it would be kind to inform you that in my alphabetized DVD collection, Repo! is seated right next to Rocky Horror. I laughed.
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December 20th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Ah!….I think I’ll be a vegetarian this week. Things…being digested…by her….
I think there needs to be a Xmas carol written about your precious Enoch
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December 20th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Ok so first off, what in the world made you put a METAL object in the microwave?? lol
and second, that is a great story. And thank you for the eggnog reff. I hate the stuff and that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing someone said what I thought the stuff to remind me of(Pussy McGrossieness)
Have a wonderful Christmas. I WISH I could be spending it like you.
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December 20th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
“I think there needs to be a Xmas carol written about your precious Enoch”
Im working on that actually, may take me till Christmas to come up with it all though lol. The idea popped into my head briefly when I was writting my above comment when I put “while thoughts of “Ewww & Wtf that’s cool” dance round in my head”.
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December 20th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the lit match. Man. Those are FANTASTIC pictures.
…And people wonder why eggnog makes me throw up.
PS, you’d better not be eating any roast beast. I can stand the sight of Enoch (for now), but I’d be pretty sad (although not at all surprised) to hear of you cannibalizing your own kind.
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December 20th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Since Rent was my anti-spam word, I figured I would comment on one of your pictures by saying/singing “Would you light my candle”?
I am glad that you have Enoch to keep you company this holiday season. I am sure watching her grow up into a full grown Enoch will make a Papa proud.
It is unfortunate that, that pesky finger nail will come back and try to push her out of your life… but at least you will always have the memories… and Paris…
Alexie
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December 21st, 2009 at 11:03 am
HAHA; Oh, I thought you meant **THAT** Enoch…you know…the one that was abducted by space-Jesus!
And I sympathize with you on the whole…**ahem**Holiday cheer. You could easily come back to Texas and take my place amongst screaming children, 200 santas, 400 nutcrackers and 25 versions of the “Christmas Carol” and I can drink beer and eat pizza? maybe? take my place?
**huff
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December 21st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I read this while drinking my deliciously cold glass of eggnog
I quite enjoy the fact that you took your finger infection and turned it into a twisted love story of sorts, it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside.
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December 21st, 2009 at 6:45 pm
HA! You’ve yet to prove me wrong. What delicious madness this is!
Merry Christmas you godless atheist you!
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December 21st, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Oh brother… that ruins egg nog for me.
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December 21st, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Yeah, I feel the same way about the holidays.I am officially an agnostic, which some people I know dont appreciate. I wish this time of year would never come. I feel like hiding under a rock until new years, which is a good excuse to drink! I dont have the ‘holiday spirit’. I would like to skip it altogether.
I never had a finger infection, but I did have an infection on my big toe once for about a month and I also had a mouth infection that stopped me from eating for a week. That was a drag, but at least it started me on the road to losing weight. That was a long time ago though. Hope you recover soon!
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December 21st, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Same here. I’m not the Xmas type. I’ve been raised Wiccan since 16. I appreciate Solstice more than Xmas and I really don’t care for either of them. I just go through the motions for family sake. Besides, It’s all for the ‘get up in the morning and open presents’ part anyway then the rest of the day is kinda in limbo.
At least movie theaters are still open Xmas day.
Have a good one, Terrance and Enoch!
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December 22nd, 2009 at 10:34 pm
PS. Your infection is biblical. Did you know?
Apparently Enoch was Noah’s Grandfather.
NOW will you disown her?
And possibly take better care of yourself?
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December 22nd, 2009 at 10:37 pm
dude, i started laughing so hard when i saw the match in your fingernail.
how did that even start??? well, actually, i’ve had the nail on my little toe just fall comepletely off and a new one grew in (interesting story…).
And i’d like you to know that this past weekend i showed my boyfriend Repo for the first time and he loved it!
tell Enoch that I said hello!
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December 24th, 2009 at 2:31 am
This is totally the Snowflake Day letter from Clone High.
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December 24th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
How I envy your You+One holiday with Enoch, tis not fair. Where as most my life I’ve longed for, & envied those with the traditional yuletide spirit gatherings of family & friends; this year I’d give anything for what you have. To be alone, with perhaps a +one of my own. But alas instead this year I’m having the holiday spirit thrust upon me when this time, I really don’t want it. Because with my family, it’s more holiday misery then cheer. Count your blessings sir
& a Happy Holidays to you & yours!
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December 27th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Dude, Mickey Mouse put a hex on you while you were in Florida! That’s when your nail started fucking up right? My anti spam word is “move” as in make a move and fix your finger! I think it’s from all the illustrating and autographing (you must sign now with Terrance and Enoch) Some funny shit there with the imaginative object finger cramming. Please keep us all posted on Enoch’s demise. Document her downfall for us! Happy new year! Still wondering about your neighbour’s cat…
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December 27th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I hope you enjoyed stuffing your face with pizza and beer! Yum.
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December 31st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
reading your discruption of the infection was beyound appettising. you might want to consider keeping pure lavender oil around for use. it is nature’s antciptic and antitoxin. works well on every thing from scraps to brown recluse spider bits. (trust me on the last one, it saved my hand)
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January 4th, 2010 at 8:12 am
Truly, a moving Seasonal Tale.
I was touched.
And similarities to someone very dear to me: he also dislikes Xmas and all it entails (although the eating of soem favoured nosh is to be tolderated in both cases, it seems…), and he, too, suffered a Abberation of The Nailbed. In is case, it as because he dropped a heavy piece of furniature on it. It turned black, dropped oiff, and grew through- all at the same time.
The moral: you’re in fine, fine company: great minds think (and abuse their nails) alike and I loves you both.
Word to the wise; don’t drink the ‘eggnog’.
I’d have called it ‘Elsbeth’…
I have hear an episode of a well-known sci-fi adventure series (audio format). It reminded me of you… ‘Embrace the Darkness’.
Chin up, handsome: Yule is a wider season for more than just the conformative rituals of the Xian-cum-Commercial calender…
Bless you.
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January 6th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Looks like I’m not the only one not feeling the holiday cheer! (To be truthful actually I did find some cheer when I got some PrismaColor markers but that is besides the point!)
I hope you and your most bewitching Enoch have an enchanting Holiday!
Merry- wait scratch that. Your not even celebrating.
Well bye then. (TeeHee)
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January 7th, 2010 at 11:14 am
I am continually enchanted by your words, even when describing a fingernail bacterial infection of sorts.
Your pictures are also rather remarkable. They made me squirm, cringe, and smile.
Have a lovely day,
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January 8th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
YUCK! *scrunches nose*
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January 20th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
….my god you’re a wonderful person. a twisted, frightening, terrifying, psyche-scarring, mind-numbingly wonderful person.
i wish you and Enoch the best.
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February 4th, 2010 at 11:23 am
[...] from: Terrance Zdunich » Blog Archive » HELP! MY FINGER IS MOLTING! Share and [...]
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February 14th, 2010 at 1:06 am
Why does every semi-celebrity I google insist on declaring their love for a personification of their decaying tissue? Seriously, what is it with you people and befriending your own wounds?
I’m just going to stop googling things.
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